i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.