also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
