i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
