my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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