I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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