I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
