HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
