we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
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The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
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I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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