My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
