he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
