Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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