Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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