She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
