I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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