how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
