roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
