I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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