the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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