Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
