Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
