I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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