Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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