Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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