I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
