Your mouth is God's brothel.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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