I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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