I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My vagina just clenched in fear
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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