I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
