I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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