Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
