I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
