i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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