I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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