I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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