I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
