So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
