I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
