I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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