I think I died a long time ago.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
someone owes me an orgasm
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
