Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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