and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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