she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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