It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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