No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
