there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
