Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
