don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
