i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
