just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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