She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
