From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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