We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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