How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
