I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
