She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
